Life As I See It Today

At the beginning of football season I “predicted” my Seminoles would go 10-2 this year. Well, they’re definitely on track with a legit shot at the ACC Championship. Unfortunately the conference is really down this year and that won’t help their overall ranking which currently is 17th in BCS poll. It’s likely we’ll play Virginia Tech in Charlotte for the ACC crown. With a win over the Hokies we play in the Orange Bowl. What a great turn around of a program by first year coach Jimbo Fisher!  Oh, it would also mean a $10,000,000 pay day for Florida State! Stay tuned.

Now, for a bit of sadness from a recent ending of my long time relationship with Annette who is also my former wife. While I feel a sense of loss and even grief it was “time” for it to end. I’ll just say I feel very used. I feel sure she has her regrets also. I wish her well in her new life as a Physician Assistant here in North Carolina. I will always have that special place in my heart for Annette.

For nearly 4 years I’ve been involved in PTSD treatment with the VA. I have made what I feel is excellent progress during that time in letting go of old demons, learning better ways to deal with it, and hopefully becoming a better person too. When you’re involved in groups of veterans you tend to become close through your sharing of experiences and bonding while working towards a better life. I learned yesterday that a fellow group member had taken his life. I’m frankly at a loss for words to describe how I feel about this. It really is like losing a family member in many ways. A tragic end to a tortured life. He will be missed.

Take care of your loved ones, tell them you love them often because you just never know.

Have a great weekend and be safe!

Daily Blog

Good morning all!

Another day of waking up and wanting to attack the day…….sort of. It’s all relative, right? It used to be that about going to work, being productive, interacting, selling, making money, and looking forward!

My “attack” was on the swimming pool and exercising my rebuilt shoulder. A little tough going due to “Don’t Get Incision Wet For 72 Hours!” Felt a bit like a bird with a hurt wing. J

Another beautiful morning here in North Carolina.

I’m wondering if anyone saw the segment on CBS about “Marines Bringing Marines Home”

During WWII the Marines took an island in the middle of the Pacific called Tarawa

They also call this area “BFE” in Corps lingo. Tarawa is part of the “Gilberts” chain.

For whatever reason the “powers that be” thought we HAD to take the island. History tells us there were there were 4836 Japs on the island. In 3 days of battle(!) the Marines, with naval guns and aircraft support killed 4690. Our Marines lost 846 with several thousand wounded.

Due to the massive health issues of decaying bodies in the tropical heat the Navy brought in bulldozers and buried most of the Japanese Marines in pits. Our Marines were buried as “best we could.” Over the years the Department of The Navy and DOD have made “efforts” to bring the Marines home. There are still some 480 remains there. The Marines, along with some civilian folks have mounted the campaign to bring them all home. Our men need to be home! Thanks guys. I’m also glad someone brought it to the attention of our news agencies.

I spent much of the day cleaning my apartment. It’s funny, I have a two bedroom two bath and my two cats follow me to each room when I’m cleaning.. . . .until I turn on the vacuum, Poof! They’re gone. J

Have to admit I’m a little anxious about Monday or Tuesday’s biopsy results. Then I stop those thoughts and know there isn’t a tinkers damn I can do about it and I’m good.

Shoot, it’s been a boring day. There are supposed to 3 football games on tonight but since they’re not “local” they are on! Damn, I need a fix.

Have a pleasant evening all, I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

13 August, 2010 22:01

What a beautiful morning I had yesterday. The temperature felt like it was in high 60s probably because we had a nice breeze. Anyway, about 6:45 I hit the pool (well, sort of ) and did my exercises. I had all the endorphins running around by the time as I was done. Great way to start the day!

Then I was off to see my friendly Veterans Administration Hospital and Dermatology. I’ve had a weird looking spot on my right forearm for about a year and until 90 days ago it hadn’t changed. Since then it’s changed shape, gotten larger and turned an ugly black. Although it’s not as big as an eraser head I have been afraid of it, mostly from being a cancer survivor, I didn’t want a repeat. Okay, so we had our little consultation, just me and 3 female doctors AND a PA. It was fun. . .sort of. They make you strip down to your skives and put on a paper gown then paw you for awhile. Twenty minutes later they decided they needed to remove my "dot" as I’ve grown to call it. We were tight. 🙂

The four ladies took off, saying they’d return shortly. Well, a few minutes later a dude walks in saying he’s Dr. whatever and that he’s going to do the biopsy. A bit weird. I never saw the other folks again. Poof! As it turns out we had a few things in common; He went to Duke Medical School after getting his undergrad at Florida State even though he grew up in Greenville, NC. I was wearing my obligatory FSU shirt which is a great conversation piece while living in North Carolina. Daggumit, I wish these people would learn football up here. He gave me the shot and proceeded to use a gadget like post hole digger and plucked that sucker right out. Two stitches later and I’m ready for the door. The good Dr. says they’ll have the results back by Monday or Tuesday. Naturally they won’t speculate as to benign or malignant. Is it Monday yet!?

Ahhhh, the joys of aging.

I’m really enjoying talking and emailing with my classmates from 1961 at Paxon High School in Jacksonville, FL. In many cases it’s nearly like we just picked up where we left off. . . .49 years ago!

For those with any interest in genealogy you’ll like this. Through a lot of research I’ve found my dad’s parents after many years of looking. The amount of information that is now on line is amazing and yet it’s still difficult to find people, backtracking each ten years hoping they remained in the same town, state, and finding in one case where one who was born in Virginia went back to England. It’s times like this that I wish we could time travel. Oh course I would have to have all my technology gadgets with me. I’m thinking it wouldn’t be a lot of fun in many cases. As they say, "It was a different world back then."

The really cool upside is that I’ve also found granddad’s parents and their parents. I know that Great X3 was born in Union County, NC in 1780 but then I hit a brick wall. The good news is that on my mom’s side I’ve tracked their roots back to Norway and the year 989. It is fascinating to say the least. I couldn’t find anything online about him or cemeteries in Union County so I beat feet over the Public Library.

Having never been a person who was on a first name basis with a library I had to grope around to find reference books, etc. on my subject. I’m sitting at a table with 3 or 4 books and getting nowhere when a fellow happens by, see’s the books and asked what I was looking for. Well, as it turns out the guy has a brother who lives in Union County not far from the ghost town. He called his brother last night and he’s emailing me a map to at least cemeteries that are reportedly from the early 1800s. I see this as a huge opportunity to do some good digging, so to speak. No, I will not visit the “Bone Orchard” at night.

Only 23 more days til kickoff!!

USMC

Since 1775

The Few. The Proud. The Faithful

Can Florida State Win 10 in 2010??

As a long time fan of the Seminoles I make my “educated guess” each season as to how I think our team will fair. For the past six seasons I’ve not been nearly as optimistic as this. I admit I was less than optimistic last year and saw them going 6-6. The season ended at 7-6 and a retirement send off victory over West Virginia in the Gator Bowl.

Coach Bowden was forced out a year early because the boosters and fans had enough. Since the hiring of Jeff Bowden and Bobby’s steadfast standing by him as the program slid toward mediocrity made all fans gag. Those days are gone.

There’s a new sheriff in Tallahassee! Jimbo Fisher is no longer “Coach in Waiting”, has taken the reins and hit the ground running. He made sweeping changes in the coaching ranks, bringing in a proven defensive coordinator in Mark Stoops. Yes, it’s Bob’s brother. Mark has been successful at each stop along the way, his last one being Arizona where he helped bring their defense from the cellar to 14thnationally in pass efficiency defense, 23rd in passing yards allowed at 182 ypg, and 24th in total defense. Florida State was dead last in the ACC in three categories (pass efficiency defense, rushing defense and total defense). . . all of which added up to a staggering 435 yards a game, darn close to worst in the nation. His aggressive zone defense will change how teams prepare for games. Remember, Mickey Andrews coached man defense for all of his 22 years. In addition to a new defense helping the recovery I also see Stoops having quick success due to the athletes he has to work with. He has some kids that are extremely talented in the backfield and at linebacker. The only area that still needs help is the defensive line. We still don’t have that rush end who can disrupt a passing game. Peter Boulware, where are you?! Now, with all of that said it will take time for the defense to gel and become dominant. The reason I say that, the second game of the season is at Oklahoma. They are always tough at home but could be especially rough on a young, new defense. Conversely Stoops knows his brothers team well and COULD cause the Sooners some problems of their own. In summary on defense, there is still much work to be done but I feel we will be above average both nationally and the ACC. The Sooners finished 9-4 in ’09.

A brief look at the schedule, then my “WAG”.

Sept 4 – Samford – Interesting game, Jimbo Fisher was once their “Small College All America” QB, coached there with Terry Bowden and now

his first game as head coach. This should be a W

Sept 11- ATOklahoma – This game could set the stage for the entire season if we win it. Oklahoma is ranked in the Top 15 in pre-season

Polls (not that they mean anything) and they’re traditionally tough at home. Our offense is the best it’s been in years,

Christian Ponder had a good season prior to his shoulder injury and is back stronger than ever and can lead the team to a W

Sept 18 –BYU – After last year’s big win in Provo the Cougars will be looking for revenge when they visit us. Will the heat be a factor?

The Cougars lost a lot of talent and I see this as a W.

Sept 25- Wake Forest– The Deacons lost a load of talent, have a new coach and this will be a W.

Oct 2 – AT Virginia – This team has a new coach and hopefully a new attitude. The program has been bad since George Welsh retired. W

Oct 9 – AT Miami – There really isn’t much more that needs to be said. The ‘Canes should be good this year. QB Jacoby Harris had

an excellent season and we all know the won-loss records don’t mean squat. It will be a war as it always is. W

Oct 16 – Boston College – This is usually a difficult team for the ‘Noles. L

Oct 28 – ATNC State – After a bye week the Seminoles should be hungry for some Wolfpack hide! W.

Nov 6 – North Carolina – The NCAA’s on-going investigation of the Tar Heels may be a distraction from the business at hand. The defense

will be excellent as always, the offense. . .not so much. They lost a lot of talent on offense to graduation and the NFL, BUT..

UNC is picked to win the Coastal Division with a 12-0 season and take their first ACC Crown since 1980. W

Nov 13 – Clemson– They’re tough at home and have been just as tough in Doak Campbell in recent years. The Tigers are picked to win the

Atlantic Division of the ACC with a 9-3 record. Whoops, this same rag picks FSU second in the same division with a 6-6 record!!

Unfortunately, I have a bad feeling about this game. L.

Nov 20 – AT Maryland – Another ACC team in transition. They have talent but I’m not sold they can “getter’ done”. W

Nov 27 – Florida– Yes I know they’re ranked 7th in some polls and I know Urban Meyers is a great recruiter, yada, yada. I also know

The Gators have beaten the ‘Noles 6 years running. Let’s see, Tebo’s gone as are most of the skill players on both sides of the

ball. One of the Brantley boys is taking the reins at QB but has little experience. The defense will have to carry the team for

awhile. I firmly believe our defense will be entrenched and ready for the challenge and the Gators go home sad. W.

A ten win season will earn the Seminoles the winner of their division and a berth in the ACC Championship, likely against Virginia Tech in Charlotte. Rave On Children, Rave On!!!

There you have it fans, my fearless calls for the season. I’ll do my best to blog on the results. Sounds like fun, right? J

Go Noles!! ß

Rich

My Daily Blog – Relationships

I would like to say I’ve had wonderful relationships with three wives over the last 40 years but that wouldn’t be the case.

To set the stage for what I feel will be unpleasant replies, my marriages all ended because of my inability to drop my “walls,” to be totally accepting of them, myself and my “weird feelings.” I’ve lived the last 40 years not letting people “in”, to really know me because I’ve felt inadequate and I’m going to stop here and make a bit of a disclaimer.

I joined the Marines at age 18, married about 18 months later, and was an active duty Marine until early 1975. During that time we had a good relationship, or so I tried to make myself believe. We divorced in 1979. I had not been unfaithful prior to ’75 but couldn’t seem not to be afterwards. I felt no guilt, remorse, it “just was.” I also drank heavily for a lot of years which caused more problems. Although I was not abusive physically I was not a “nice” drunk and could be dominating, controlling, and nasty as hell sometimes. That gives a less than impressive picture of me as a husband and father post Vietnam. A few days before our divorce my first wife said, “You were such a great guy prior to Vietnam. From the day you returned home you’ve never been close to that man. You’re emotionally unavailable.”

I was also a workaholic, staying gone as much as possible, and sleeping very little. There was much more but that is an adequate overview. Then there were what I call my “off balance” things, checking and re-checking windows and doors several times during the night, sometimes slipping out of the house to stand perimeter guard in our laundry room on our carport. “Super-vigilant” about my surroundings, constantly looking for the next “something” to happen. Never, ever sitting in any room with my back to the door, driving down the road looking in the trees for “Charlie” as we called the Viet-Cong. When people would notice some of these things I’d slough them off or laugh about them.

As time passed I began to feel more and more that I was a half step out of pace with everyone else. I hated crowds, still do and avoid them like a plague. I struggle with depression even today. There were many things that manifested themselves over the next ten years that I’ll not talk about. The feelings of hopelessness, the anger and rage that I feel always just below my façade of “I’m okay.”

The worst feelings of all are a shame and guilt about Vietnam that hasn’t changed one bit since the first time I felt it.

I remarried in 1982 to another good person and set about whittling it away to nothing with the same behaviors. I won’t belabor the point here. I was an asshole, hurting people everywhere I went through my crippling need to be wanted and accepted but going about it all wrong. I used things like intimidation, cajoling, lying, any form of manipulation to get what I wanted. Along the way I was moderately successful in business and made some really good money. Even that slipped through my fingers as my alcohol abuse continued to escalate.

I divorced again in 1993. I awoke one morning in West Palm Beach, FL and honestly felt like my kidneys were in Key West! I HAD to do something about the drinking, I had become afraid I was dying. I was working with a woman, yes a sexual liaison was in full swing, who gave me the number of a woman who ran what was called a “Confrontation Group.” I met with her and found that the group met each Tuesday night and I needed to be there. Well, as it turned out that night I wished I’d never walked in the door. There were 35-38 people in the room, all seated in a circle. One of them asked me why I was there and I replied, “I don’t know.” Wrong answer! Accusations began to fly, “You’re a goddamn drunk”, “you’re no good to yourself or anyone else” just to throw out a couple. Not only was I shocked I was also pissed off. Just who the hell did they think they were! I invested nearly 3 years in that group riding myself of my alcohol dependency and frankly it was tough as hell for a long time. I’ve not drank since then. . . until 4 months ago. I must admit to having several drinks over the past few months. I’m not ashamed of it, I just know it’s not a good thing for me so I once again turned my back on it. During my time in group I dealt with many, many issues I’ve stuffed for years. . . .except for the one that I couldn’t handle, Vietnam. In all my time of doing the “good work” I couldn’t deal with it.

I convinced myself I was “okay” a year after finishing group, met a great gal and almost immediately fell in love with her. She’s 23 years my junior, beautiful, smart as anything, and “good people” as I like to call certain folks in my life. I proposed to her just a few months after we met and we were married the next year. I was very proud of my sobriety and my new found ability to deal with things the “right way.” I had no need or desire to stray from my vows and felt very secure in my marriage…… when suddenly all of the self doubts, loathing of me, all of my Vietnam anxieties flooded back into my head and my marriage quickly began to unravel. My confidence I’d gained from my investment in group evaporated and I reverted back to being an ass. I could not find the strength to work through what I felt was coming, divorce, so I played like an ostrich and stuck my head in the sand while it all went to hell. IF I’d been able to think through the fog of anger I feel we could’ve saved “us,” but it didn’t work out that way and we divorced in 2005. This likely comes across as immature on my part, but I’m actually proud to say I never cheated on her. Why is that now so important to me? I don’t know.

Here’s irony for you, we still have a relationship of sorts. We love each other but don’t live together, at least not for long. She’s taken a job elsewhere and will be leaving the area shortly. I have mixed feelings about all of this. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone or in a “we’ll see each often” relationship. I need that person to be invested in me like I am them. Although my life has thus far been a “cluster” I’ve not lost sight of wanting that white picket fence out front of my comfortable home and us sitting on the front porch shooting the breeze, and sipping ice tea. I realize it does sound ludicrous based on the forgoing but it’s still there, after all we have dreams. I’ve come to realize that things will take care of themselves if given time and a nudge by you. J My problem is I don’t like waiting. . . .

In previous blogs I talked about my PTSD and what it has done to me over the last 40 years. I am not “blaming” PTSD for all of my problems but I do feel certain that anyone reading this can readily see where it has definitely been at the root of most of it. I am working diligently to rid myself or calm forever this illness. I could easily say “screw it, I’ve only got a few years to live. Who needs to go through this?” Well, I don’t look at it that way. I fully intend to live quite awhile longer and DO NOT want to feel this way.

I’ve not liked “me” for many years. It’s time for change.

USMC

Since 1775

The Few. The Proud. The Faithful

My Daily Stuff

For the past few years I’ve tried to get in touch with people I remember from my high school days with absolutely no success. Paxon High School in Jacksonville, FL was the hot spot in 1961!  🙂 As I get older I learn more than I’d like to know about the internet and new technology. I found a website with a few names from Paxon and waalaa I have a spreadsheet with all of my classmates.

Armed with the list I began sending out emails to the people I recognized and actually got responses. In the mails I sent I asked the question, “Are you the John Doe that I played sports with and if so, do your remember me?”  Or my personal favorite “Did we date?” A few of the responses were, “Remember you?! Hell, I’ve looked for you over the years, where have you been.” I gotta admit it was heart warming, especially for a guy who ain’t big on showing emotions. There is a 50th Anniversary being planned for next year, no date yet, at The World Golf Resort in St. Augustine. If I’m still suckin’ wind I plan to be there. I vaguely remember going to our 20th reunion. I do mean vaguely.

As if that wasn’t enough of a bonus, check this one out…….I’ve been looking for my brother who I haven’t talked to in about 20 years and just as a lark I checked Face Book and there he was! We’ve since exchanged a hand full of emails with more to come! After all these years we need this. Hat Trick!

After all of that excitement I needed a nap so I power napped for a few hours and then launched into trying to watch “Alice In Wonderland” but just couldn’t handle it today. Maybe after I’ve ingested enough ganja I can get into it…….. not. It seems to be a decent movie. Not like “Hurt Locker” of course. That was good flick.

The prognosticators and pundits have finished writing their preseason rags about college football. My team, Florida State is all over the map, from not even being in the Top 25 to 3rd or 4th in the nation. They’ve also been picked to win their division and lose the ACC title game to Va. Tech. They have a very tough schedule other than their opener against Samford! Ugh. Then they go on the road to Oklahoma and then come home to play BYU. Then into the ACC schedule with a much improved North Carolina team, a loaded Clemson squad and finally the Gators at Bobby Bowden field. I’m thinking this talented but very young team will win 8, maybe 9 games which will be an excellent season after 3 consecutive 7-6 campaigns.

With Jimbo Fisher taking over for Bowden and him bringing in basically a new coaching staff it will definitely be interesting. Mark Stoops, yep, it’s Bob’s brother, stepping in to take on Mickey Andrew’s banner as defensive coordinator switching from a “man” defensive to heavy zone….. let’s just say it will take them a few games to get the zone down. The “good” news there is Oklahoma’s QB has gone to the NFL. The bad news is his replacement played most of last season when Sam went down with the shoulder ouchie and did an excellent job. All I can say is, GO NOLES!!

My best friend is graduating from Duke University Physician Assistant School this week. She has done a hellava job these last two years, making lots of sacrifices and flat burning out the midnight candle. It seems likely that she’s going to accept a position with a dermatologist at a very well established office in the area. All she has left to do is pass her certification exam, get licensed, and she’s off to the races….and really good money. Good luck Annette, “You’ve Come A Long Way Baby!” I love you.

Some new-old friends joined me at Face Book today. Jim Onder it’s good to hear from you.

Boys and girls it’s time for this old man to hit the sack.  Sweet dreams.

My daily blog

For nearly three years I’ve been in counseling and “Groups” for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder “PTSD” at a Veterans Administration Veterans Center in Raleigh, NC, about 30 miles from Durham where I live. I’ve not talked much about this over the past 40 years because of “embarrassment” and actual “guilt” of being a Vietnam Veteran. Sound crazy? If you’re over 40 and served in ‘Nam you know full well what I mean. To give you the impact of that era wrap your head around this, I was discharged from the Marine Corps February 13, 1968 and have never had a single person say “Thank you for your service to the country” or anything remotely similar. 1968 and for many years afterward was a time when you were called “Baby Killer” and even more nasty comments causing many arguments, fights, not to mention years of built up rage, anger and a lot of screwy things “we” do. My first visit to any VA facility was here in Durham in 2008. While I was being registered  I was thanked for the first time. I cried. While I applaud the way we greet and treat our troops today there is a tinge of jealously that we never were acknowledged for over 20 years. Maybe more on this another day……..

Several weeks ago my current PTSD  therapist recommended I apply to the VA Salem, VA PTSD Counseling Group. I thought it over and prayed about it for a week or so and finally told Lisa McLaughlin, my therapist, to send in the papers and a week later I was accepted for “Evaluation”.  This past Monday, July 26 I drove up to Salem, VA. Something I’ve begun doing for “me” in the past few months is taking my time when I go somewhere out of Durham, actually looking at the surroundings, not just driving. For that reason I try to avoid Interstates taking back roads when I can find them. That tactic didn’t work out too well on this journey because my GPS threw me a curve and took across state on I-40, etc. Ggggrrrr!

After finally getting  off the infernal Interstate the scenery changed dramatically, turning to foothills with mountains in the distance. I was hoping the weather would change to cooler but that didn’t happen although Salem is nearly 220 miles north of Durham it’s in a valley. The temperature was in the high 90’s. Salem is next door to Roanoke, VA. One of the first I noticed when driving into the area was the difference in architecture in houses and many office buildings. A lot of places are built with a colonial flavor or what I call the “Virginia Look.” Okay, maybe that’s just me.

As I drew closer to the Salem Veterans Administration  Facility my first impression was the size of the complex. Huge!  It was built 75 years ago by the CCC folks, likely some of the same people who built the Blue Ridge Parkway which isn’t that far away. Uniquely, for those folks who are interested in things like this, it was erected in a circle and likely employs several hundreds if not a few thousand people, most in health care.

Needless to say I was very apprehensive about doing this because I’m afraid of the unknown. You know, talking about things that happened a long time ago but have very much influenced your life for over 40 years. Dragging out all of this is scary, but if you’re tired of living as you have and truly want to change your life you simply have to do it. Besides, I figure I’ve only got another 10 or so years to suck air and I really don’t want my daughter and others to remember me badly. There is a season for everything and it’s time comes when it does, not when we want it.

If you’ve read this far you’re likely curious about PTSD and some of its symptoms. Check out the link below for details.

http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm

I spent 3 days in Salem for the evaluation which includes a complete physical, social and physiological screening, etc.

The “Specialized PTSD Inpatient Treatment Program” is very intense. The program runs for 7 weeks and it’s like being in Boot Camp. You’re not allowed to leave the complex, all meals are taken there.The good news is you CAN make calls, mail, etc. You can’t have your laptop (OH, God!) or have access to a computer. 🙂 I honestly believe this program will change my life and I relish going there on January 3, 2011 which is the next available time. I should tell you the people who will be in this session, all 35 of us, are not just Vietnam Vets.  There will be Veterans of the First Gulf War, Iraq and Afghanistan there. PTSD is not prejudiced and as long as there is war we will suffer.The thing that hurt us Vietnam Vets is it took The VA over twenty years to even acknowledge that PTSD even existed OR that Agent Orange caused a multitude of physical problems. Yeah, I admit it, I have a grudge against the government.

My drive home was uneventful and I arrived in time to go to dinner with my girlfriend and friends. I received 3 movies from Netflix, “Tooth Fairy”, “Invictus”, and “Alice In Wonderland” and will party with those this weekend. 🙂

On a definite negative note; The Pentagon announced today that the military suicide rate has surpassed the civilian rate . . . . . . FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! I told my friend, Bill Curtin, standing on the used car lot at Al Packer Ford when it was announced we had gone into Iraq after Afghanistan that it was our “next Vietnam” because we would never win it. Will we ever learn that we cannot and should not try to be the world’s police force?

Okay, I’m tired of typing. I hope you enjoyed this and will look forward to the next one….. or not.  Tomorrow I think I’ll talk about relationships